Marriage is hard work
A couple of weekends ago we celebrated my sister and brother-in-law’s wedding reception. The reception was cancelled last year but we were able to have the wedding ceremony with just the wedding party. We enjoyed a small, intimate ceremony. While it was a blast hanging out with their closest friends and family, it was super special to finally be able to celebrate with everyone.
It makes me think back to when Jose proposed to me under the moonlight and on the beach in the Sunshine Coast, Australia. It was also my 21st birthday. It’s one of our favorite stories to tell, so please ask us about it and maybe I will write about it. That was ten years ago already and we will soon celebrate our nine-year wedding anniversary.
We’ve had many ups and downs over the years. Whenever I fall down the hole of anger and frustration I often think back to those special moments when Jose proposed or our wedding celebration. Our marriage is far from perfect and I have yet to meet one that is. We work very hard at our marriage and because of that I’d argue it’s pretty great.
But what exactly does that mean for us?
Resolve conflicts and learn to compromise.
It would be great if Jose and I agreed on everything, communicated clearly, slept eight hours per night (a lot of our frustrations start with a few nights of poor sleep), and could take a vacation every month. But that’s not reality. Let me share an example of a conflict resulting from poor communication.
A few months ago we did a sleep training program with our kids. One afternoon Jose texted me to tell me that he’d be home late from work, but would make sure he was home in time to help put the kids to bed. We were early into the program so we were still adjusting and getting comfortable with the routine. Jose felt he was communicating well by giving me a heads up, which is true.
The bedtime routine came and went and he didn’t make it home. I felt very frustrated because he left me to do the new routine by myself. At the time I felt he did not communicate well, even though I know perfectly well things can run late so could have been much more flexible and understanding of the situation.
In reality the poor communicator was me. I should have communicated the importance of sticking with the sleep routine for the first few weeks and I should have expressed my feelings. I felt nervous and overwhelmed by the new routine, and honestly was desperate to “get it right” so that I could sleep more as well. Most likely if I had communicated those things Jose would have flexed his schedule and prioritized being home for bedtime.
Did we talk about it? Absolutely. Did it go well? No. It is easier to reflect on now, but at the time I was stressed and frustrated.
I’ve read that happy marriages are not because couples “never fight” but because they fight to resolve conflicts and understand each other’s differences.
We worked through the conflict, and while it was not a smooth conversation with a quick resolution, we continue to grow and improve our communication daily.
Make your relationship a priority.
Life is busy and our kids make it busier. We are intentional about making time to catch up and stay on the same page. Sometimes it’s a quick dinner date, a walk or hike together, or driving while the kids sleep in the car. We take vacations together (read why we vacation without kids), golf, play volleyball, and plan nights out with friends. It is important to find a good balance regardless of the activity.
Sometimes we compete, sometimes we eat, sometimes we do nothing. Sometimes we talk and sometimes we enjoy the silence together.
Recently we sat in bed for the evening while Jose explained cryptocurrency to me. It is a fascinating conversation, but more importantly I enjoyed the quality time we had together.
We also take the time to continue learning about each other. Sadly it took me years to realize Jose’s Saturday morning, lay in bed and do nothing is his recharge time and not him being lazy. He needs time to be alone and be in his own thoughts. I used to nag him all morning because I am the opposite in this regard. I want to get my to-do list done and recharge by hanging out with people.
I believe that we are better together. When your relationship is held in high regard you will be better partners to each other, better parents, and better friends. Our time, effort, and intentionality makes a big difference for our marriage.
Be grateful.
Jose and I take time to reflect and be grateful for our blessings. We sometimes have to remind each other that what you look for is what you see. It can be easy to see areas where Jose falls short (“Just put your clothes IN the hamper, not next to the hamper.”) and he can easily do the same of me (“I can’t stand your chewing. Are you done eating yet?”).
Being grateful keeps life in perspective and makes you more appreciative of your spouse and everything around you. If you look for things to be grateful for you will find them. It also becomes easier and more readily recognizable as you practice gratefulness.
I am incredibly grateful for Jose’s thoughtfulness. He is always considering how his decisions impact me and the kids. He is intentional about our quality time (my love language). And I am especially grateful for his transparency, even when the truth hurts. He is kind, honest, and acts with high integrity. I could go on and on.
In the end I believe you get out of it what you put into it, which can be incredibly rewarding.
Lastly, fair does not mean equal. There are times where you may have to step up and do things that are less than glamorous, which will be frustrating. Hopefully in those moments you can remember to be grateful for what each of you has done for one another.
Our marriage doesn’t have to be perfect because it is great just the way it is.
Photograph by Mia Alba
